Navigating Estranged Relationships

Written by: Valerie Ortega, LPC-Associate

It’s the best time of the year! The music, the lights, the food, the treats, and the family time! It is something you look forward to every year.

But this year is different.

You went through a break up or maybe you had to distance yourself from someone you care about.

You started last year hopeful and excited for what is going to happen and where you are going to be at the end of the year. But you also started the year with someone you love or care about, and how everything is different. You now have an estranged relationship with someone.

An estranged relationship is the loss of a previously existing relationship. This can be from a family member, a friend or a past significant other.

Estranged relationships can be hard especially as we enter the holiday season. The things you once did with them will no longer happen whether that is going to look at the Christmas lights or drinking hot chocolate together as you bake cookies. Those memories that were once so special are now just a distant memory. You might have reminders of them everywhere you go and avoiding those places can be difficult.

Sometimes you have to love someone from a distance as that relationship is no longer healthy. 

There are many ways to cope with the grief of an estranged relationship especially during the holidays. One thing can be to write a letter to them. Let out all your thoughts and feelings and when you are finished you can throw the letter away, tear it up, keep it or make it a boat and let it sail down a river. It is a good way to release those feelings and begin the journey to move on. Another helpful way to cope could be to go to those places or do those things that you once had memories of with them and make new memories. 

What about mending those relationships?

Not every estranged relationship lasts a lifetime, some last only for a season. As we grow and change sometimes so do those relationships, and what was once not healthy has now taken a new step in a different direction. However, just because people change does not mean it is that easy to mend what once was. 

The process to mending a relationship can be a bumpy one and you might be afraid how the other person will react after reaching out to them. Before mending a relationship, you should ask yourself if it will be healthy, will they respect your boundaries, and will it be different this time?

You need to make sure you are doing your own inner work too.

When you start to form a plan to resolve that relationship, you should think about whether you are ready to rebuild that relationship, how it will affect your mental health, and what part you played in the loss of this relationship previously? Possibly plan out what you are going to say to this person? Role play different scenarios to act out how you would handle different reactions. When and if you are ready, reach out to them and say your peace.

Regardless of the outcome you can only control yourself and how you handle that situation.

Respect their boundaries if they do not want to mend the relationship. Negative reactions can be hurtful and hard to handle. Make sure you have a good support system to lean on if this happens to be the case in your situation. 

Sometimes mending an estranged relationship is not for the best and can disturb your peace. It is good to recognize when this is the case and plan accordingly.

If you need help working on relationships in your life, or you are constantly wondering why the relationships you have always seem to fall apart, we are here for you. We can help you work on setting boundaries, identifying toxic traits, or learn how to communicate effectively.

We are here for you.

Restoring Hope Counseling has multiple Therapists on staff with some who are able to take insurance, and some who are interns and provisionally licensed staff, who can provide counseling at a discounted rate. They all provide in Person or Telehealth sessions. Visit our “Meet our Team” page or contact us for further information to help you find the person who is the best fit for you.