The Grief that Comes Every Month.
Sitting on the exam table, looking at the wall. You have been here before and are waiting for the doctor to come in and tell you what you already know.
It happened again... no baby. Just another heartbreak knowing that this one didn’t make it either.
You have heard it before. Your baby’s heart stopped beating and is no longer there.
Another bed sheet stained in blood reminding you that they didn’t make it.
All you want to do is hear your baby’s heartbeat and see their face on the ultrasound, but that is not the case.
You won’t hear the heartbeat or see their face because they are no longer there. The sinking feeling in your heart starts to set in and tears run down your face. Why couldn’t this one make it?
You are not alone.
1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility.
1 in 8 have to bear the heartbreaks of miscarriages, still births and sometimes never even making it to conception. This leads to doctors giving the couple their options like IUI or IVF, but many doctors do not discuss with their patients the emotional toll this will take on the couple. How infertility treatments will take them on an emotional roller coaster or about the grieving process before you even get to that point of being ready to proceed.
What happens when it doesn’t result in a baby? What happens when the journey to get there seems longer or harder than you thought it would be? What about having to grieve another loss?
Sometimes you need a break mentally, emotionally, and physically. Grief is not linear especially when you are going through infertility. There is no point A to point B and then you are ok. Sometimes it can hit you in the middle of a Tuesday after lunch or two months down the road when you are listening to a song.
There are stages of grieving. Some people skip stages or take a long time to get from one to the next, but grieving is a process and one that times time.
First, there is the denial stage. I will get pregnant. I am just stressed out. I just need a night out and to relax.
Then there is the anger stage. Why can’t my body do the one thing it is made to do? Why can’t I do this? It’s not fair.
Then the bargaining stage: I will be happy for my friends getting pregnant, if I can please get pregnant.
Next is the depression stage. This stage is when the realization of what this all means happens. You are hurting, sad, crying and sometimes isolated from others. It hurts so much and you feel broken.
Finally, you get to the acceptance stage. You start to accept what is happening and find hope again. You start to look at your options whether that be going through IVF, adopting, or just living a life without a child.
These stages can look very different for you, and you might go through some of these stages slower than others.
There is no right way to grieve, and this is your journey.
No one told you it would be like this. No one told you it would be this hard. Take one day at a time.
Schedule a Session with Valerie Ortega,
LPC- Associate
Hi I am Valerie!
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate and have worked in the adoption field for over eight years. I specialize in Young Adults and Women with Infertility, Adoption, Grief, Anxiety and Depression
When Valerie is not seeing clients at Restoring Hope Counseling, she is a Family Coordinator at Caring Adoptions. You get more information about Caring Adoptions here.
