Am I Being Gaslit? What Can I Do?
Written by Justin Coffey, Intern
The word “gaslighting” is everywhere. In fact, it was Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year in 2022. But depending on whom you talk to, or what you’ve seen on Twitter (X), Instagram, or TikTok, it can be hard to really understand exactly what it is and what it looks like.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting isn’t just deception or remembering an event differently from somebody else. Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological and emotional abuse. The perpetrator distorts truth in a way that’s intended to make their victim question their memory, sanity, or perception of reality. This most often happens in families (usually by parents) or in romantic relationships, but friends, coworkers, and bosses (even doctors!) can be gaslighters, too. It can be incredibly subtle but downright devastating for the abused.
You may have been gaslighted if:
You’re indecisive or second-guess your decisions
You wonder whether you’re too sensitive or blow things out of proportion
You doubt your memory or perception of things, or wonder if you’re crazy
Your happiness and self-esteem are low or decrease over time
You apologize excessively, sometimes for things you didn’t even do You’re otherwise mistreated (physically, verbally, or psychologically)
One thing that sucks for victims of gaslighting is they’re often targeted because they’re genuinely kind and giving people, who often already have a history of trauma or mistreatment. This makes it easier for the abuser to take advantage. It often takes a while for the victim to even realize they’re being abused.
What can gaslighting look like?
Gaslighting can take many forms—more than the examples below. The defining feature, though, is repeated psychological or emotional manipulation to make you question yourself (and often to make you believe or rely on the abuser).
Here are some things a gaslighter might do:
Make you question your memory
“Are you sure?”
“That’s not how things went down, and you know it!”
“All that work stress is starting to mess with your mind.”
“That never happened.”
Pretend they don’t understand the conversation or forgot what happened
“I literally don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Okay, now you’re just confusing me.”
“Who did what, when now? You’re not making any sense.”
“Don’t you think I’d remember if that happened?”
Belittle or disregard how you feel
“Oh, come on—it was not that bad.”
“It was just a joke! Stop being so sensitive.”
“Yeah, well how do you think I feel?”
“You’re always such a drama queen!”
Deny or refuse to take responsibility for their actions
“Do you really think I’m capable of that?”
“It wasn’t my fault!”
“I never did that.”
“It wouldn’t have happened it if she didn’t get me so drunk.”
Change the focus of the conversation by denying your credibility
“That’s ridiculous. Where are you getting this stuff?”
“Like you would know.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand, considering your background.”
“Kendra said that? She’s such a conspiracy theorist. You said so yourself.”
This all sounds way too familiar. What can I do?
There are a lot of different techniques people try, with varying degrees of success. Let’s break down some unhelpful and helpful ways to deal with a gaslighter in your life.
There are a few things you might consider not doing:
Avoid using aggressive language, attacking, or posturing. This can escalate the gaslighting tactics as the abuser tries to maintain control over you and the situation. It could also lead to unwanted consequences, like physical abuse.
Don’t focus so much on the facts; talk about your emotions. It may be easier for someone who’s manipulating you to dispute events than to disagree with what you are or aren’t feeling.
Although it might be difficult, try not to become visually upset. This may make the person manipulating you feel validated and cause them to double down on their efforts — even though you have every right to be upset. But it shows them they have power over you, which is exactly what they want.
And here are some things that often help:
Keep a journal of events and your feelings. If your gaslighter causes you to question what happened, you can reference it to reassure yourself of what actually occurred.
Collect evidence of the truth. For instance, if your supervisor at work is accusing you of underperforming or may seek to damage your reputation, you can present evidence (emails, invoices, texts, performance reviews, pictures, etc.) to defend yourself.
Call gaslighting out when you see it. Gaslighting only works when there is a power imbalance. You can calmly and nonconfrontationally disagree with your gaslighter. For example, “I remember that differently,” “I know how I felt,” or “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.”
Abusers often try to isolate you from people who know you well and can validate you. Share often with trusted loved ones and use them to help understand your experiences and reactions. Trust in their objectivity and care for you.
Remember—you’re not the reason for your abuser’s actions. There’s nothing you could or should have done differently. Abuse is never the victim’s fault. For the gaslighter, it’s all about control and the ability to manipulate you. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior, so gaslighters will not respond to logic or show compassion in a normal way. If a parent, partner, or other acquaintance turns a conversation or situation into an opportunity to manipulate, confuse, or insult you, or make you question your perceptions, leave the conversation. And, sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is go low-to-no contact with your abuser.
Talking with a counselor can help you make sense of your experiences and help you to trust yourself again, regain your confidence, and remind you who you really are (your abuser has painted you a grossly distorted picture of yourself—don’t buy it!). At Restoring Hope, we have compassionate therapists who understand emotional abuse and its lasting effects. Let’s help you find your way back from gaslighting and other types of psychological and emotional abuse. Let’s turn you from a victim to a survivor, and help you find you again!
Restoring Hope Counseling has multiple Therapists on staff with some who are able to take insurance, and some who are interns and provisionally licensed staff, who can provide counseling at a discounted rate. They all provide in Person or Telehealth sessions. Visit our “Meet our Team” page or contact us for further information to help you find the person who is the best fit for you.
