Worth

Written by Morgan Draper

Worth

-/wərTH/

Noun

Defined as the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued.

Last week as part of our series of understanding ‘self-’ words we explored self-worth. This week we dive deeper into the meaning and understanding of worth.

“I am worthy. “

Some days I can believe these words to be true, but other times it feels like a relentless battle and an unnecessary headache. Am I worthy? How do I define my worthiness? Is it in the way I look? What I am to do? How others see me? Asking myself these questions has made me realize that I may not fully understand what worthy is, or what it is I am hoping I am worthy of. 

I wish I could say that with time I have grown a better outlook on my worthiness as I have matured into a decent woman and person, but I simply cannot bring myself to. My perception of my worth has always been low. For as long as I can remember I never felt that I deserved much, or that I had much to offer. I was trapped in my flawed thinking. Of course, I have had moments in my life...flickers… where I feel I may understand what it means to be worthy, to be valued, to deserve the place I have developed for myself. Unfortunately, these are just moments. But in these brief glimpses, I have had the opportunity to see beyond what I once thought dictated my worthiness. 

Since I was young, I knew I looked different from everyone else, and from that, I came to see different as being the equivalent to bad. My looks determined my worth, and since my looks were bad, I was bad. I was flawed. I was undeserving. And there are still times where I look at others and wish oh how I wish I could be like them. Why can’t my hair be more manageable? Why am I not skinnier, or smarter, or more talented, or just plain lucky as so many others seem to be? Everyone seems to have something that I do not. Worth. A belief that they are good, that they have value, that they are deserving of the good things life has given them. However, this is not always the case. Contrary to what I believed and what others would want us to see, even the people we presumed to be perfect have struggled. Even those who belittled us and made us feel less than have struggled. Even so. Even though these people no longer have any influence over my life or my perception. Why is it so hard to move forward? 

In some ways, I am just my own worst enemy. I may no longer have people in my life who bully me or tell me I am lesser than, but I do have my thoughts and those tend to be capable of pretty much the same thing. So how do I move past myself into developing a perception where I can believe that I am worthy? 

“Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.” -Wayne Dyer

Start small. 

Positive words of affirmation. We hear about them regularly, but it often feels easier said than done. I think of the various words I want to tell myself, but it is hard to speak them when they feel like the worst lie ever told. 

I hesitate.

 I begin to retreat.

 “I can’t do this.” 

I stop. I start again.

“I can.“

“I am worthy.”

“I am capable.”

“I am strong.”

Change these words to whatever calls to you, to whatever you need at this moment. Do not turn back, take what you need. 

Gradually it has gotten easier for me. Some days tend to be harder than others. It can be difficult to develop this new outlook for yourself when all the negativity around you became normal and almost comforting. You knew what to do with this negativity because it was what was familiar to you, as it is for me and all those who struggle with their perception of self-worth. 

With each word spoken I feel closer to developing my sense of worth, and what it means to me as I am the only one who can. It is work, but it is worth it. 

“There are no prerequisites to worthiness. You're born worthy, and I think that's a message a lot of women need to hear.” -Viola Davis