7 Things Self-Care Isn’t (and 7 things it is)
Written by Justin Coffey, Intern
People often either love or hate the concept of self-care, or at least the word itself. Maybe you find comfort and restoration in your self-care practices. But a lot of us struggle with what it looks like for ourselves or equate “self-care” with expensive candles and products or social media wellness trends (if this is what you think of when you think of self-care, you might even be rolling your eyes right now—sorry, Gwyneth). On Instagram alone, there are over 35 million #selfcare posts, many if not most of which imply we misunderstood the assignment. Some things these posts promote—bubble baths, a nice cup of tea, affirmations, or binging your favorite show—are enjoyable activities, and it’s possible they might fit into your self-care plan… but there’s so much more to it.
7 Things Self-Care Isn’t
Before we dive into what self-care is, it might be instructive to talk about some misconceptions and things that often get mistaken for self-care. It could be easier to figure out what truly caring for ourselves looks like once we know what isn’t usually helpful. So here are seven things self-care isn’t:
Selfish –
I absolutely cannot stress this enough. A lot of people, particularly caregivers, feel that making the effort to take care of themselves is a detriment to their loved ones or means they don’t love them enough, which is a one-way ticket to a guilt trip. But there’s a heap of scientific proof that people who take intentional care of themselves are better equipped to help others. I won’t flog metaphors here, but there’s a lot of truth in “not pouring from an empty cup” (what is there to give?) or “putting your own mask on first.” You absolutely do not have to neglect others to care for yourself!
Triage for acute stress –
Self-care is preventative maintenance against distress, exhaustion or burnout, depression, relationship issues, anxiety, and problems with emotional regulation, etc. The whole idea is to keep your life running smoothly. It’s like keeping gas in your car so it doesn’t die on the freeway. Once it does, having to walk to the gas station and back is so much worse.
Indulgence –
Self-care isn’t about binge drinking, overindulging in comfort foods, or going on a spending spree. Not only do these things often lead to regret, but they’re potentially unhealthy (physically, financially, or mentally). There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself from time to time, but indulgence isn’t really self-care, nor is it particularly sustainable.
Isolation –
Cutting yourself off from friends and family for any extended period of time isn’t usually a great idea. We’re creatures of connection and can benefit greatly from the support of loved ones, professionals, and our communities. Now, taking time to connect with ourselves or learning to set healthy boundaries with people are totally types of self-care.
A to-do list item –
Some people see self-care as simply something it would be nice if they get around to it. Many others try to cram it into an already busy schedule or stick it at the end of their to-dos. If they don’t get around to taking care of themselves, it can actually amplify guilt and stress. But self-care doesn’t have to be an event or even take much time or effort—maybe for you it’s going with a lighter option at lunch, saying “no,” talking to a friend, taking the stairs at work, or turning your phone off. Self-care should not be a chore.
Avoidance and procrastination –
Ahhh…ignorance is bliss, no? Well, only kinda, and only for a minute. A lot of us choose to pretend our problems don’t affect us or put off dealing with them in hopes that we’ll feel better. The problem is—well, first of all, you still consciously know they’re there, which doesn’t really lessen the stress much—and most of the time, those problems catch up with us, often worse than they were in the first place. I like to think of burying your stress as emotional Whack-a-Mole: If you don’t take care of it, it’ll just pop up somewhere else (likely where you least expect it).
Always enjoyable or easy –
Don’t let this one put you off. We perform all sorts of self-care that’s not super fun. Taking a shower, going to the dentist, budgeting, exercising, and cleaning out your garage can all be forms of self-care. But I bet you often feel better once they’re accomplished! Like I said, self-care doesn’t always look like a glass of pinot gris in the bath.
7 Types of Self-Care
Now that we’ve dispelled some myths and have a decent idea of what self-care doesn’t look like, let’s take a moment to talk about what it is. Self-care involves intentionality and awareness of what you need. It’s taking care of your total wellbeing, including your psychological, emotional, and physical health. Sometimes it requires us to turn off autopilot to make any necessary changes toward becoming healthier and more resilient in the face of life stressors. Here are seven domains to consider when you think about what self-care might look like for you:
Emotional – Things that connect us to our emotions and help us process them in a healthy way.
This could be journaling, practicing gratitude, affirmations, using positive self-talk, meditating, utilizing coping skills, or seeing a therapist. Anything that restores or promotes your emotional health, including working to minimize unnecessary exposure to emotionally painful or draining situations or people.
Physical – Things that enhance our physical health and wellbeing.
This might take the form of being active (walking, working out, biking), taking a bath or shower, eating well, getting adequate sleep, a face mask or skin routine, dancing, or pleasant things that engage your senses (like art, aromatherapy, or a cozy throw, etc.).
Mental – Things that activate our minds and promote a healthy, vibrant psyche.
Anything that keeps your mind sharp, engaged, and well-rounded. Maybe you like to listen to podcasts, read, watch documentaries, create art, write, or go to museums. Maybe you’re interested in a hobby, or want to learn how to sing, play an instrument, or speak another language.
Social – Things that nurture our relationships with others.
Like it or loathe it, we’re inherently social beings. Caring for your social self might include a date night with your partner, making a phone call to someone you love, reading to your kids, connecting with a religious or civic group, hosting a game night, or even spending time with pets. This could also mean knowing when to say “no” or upholding boundaries with others.
Spiritual – Things that connect us with and strengthen our soul.
Your spiritual health doesn’t just involve religion (though it very well might); spirituality is a connection with things larger than yourself. So yes, attending religious services or gatherings can absolutely be self-care; so can prayer. But spiritual self-care might also include volunteerism, yoga, meditation, reading inspirational literature, making a vision board, or simply spending time in the beauty of nature.
Practical – Things that provide for our basic needs.
It’s also super important for us to make sure our needs are met and all the logistical concerns in our lives are addressed. Those might be cleaning the house, making a household chore chart, meal prepping, paying bills, keeping a to-do list, or even just organizing your inbox.
Professional – Things that support our feeling balanced and fulfilled at work.
This might look like trainings to help further or enrich your career, setting an away message when you’re not at work, learning how better to prioritize tasks, exercising more effective communication with colleagues and supervisors, or not taking calls outside of business hours (maybe even looking for another job).
Look over these seven types of self-care. Did they look the way you expected? Take a second to reflect and see which of these areas you feel you do a good job of addressing in your life, and which ones might need a little work to keep you healthy, balanced, and energized.
As an exercise, come up with two additional items for each of the seven domains, preferably ones that speak to you and where you are in your life. Then write down a couple of options you like (from the list or from your own) for each type of self-care. Think about how you might begin to incorporate them into your routine. Remember, self-care doesn’t have to be an event or obligation—it doesn’t even need to be an action (maybe it’s something you don’t do or stop doing!)—so pick things you feel you could really use and implement. Get creative! Maybe you’ll want to prioritize self-care from the areas you identified that could use extra attention. Reevaluate your self-care plan and make changes as needed; your needs will change over time.
If the concept of self-care resonates with you, perhaps you might bring it up to your counselor and get their assistance in creating a plan that keeps your life running smoothly, gives you joy and energy, and helps you to be strong and resilient when stressors occur.
